Okay, future me. The thing with you (us) is, we say we're going to really get into writing blogs, and then we write one with the promise of keeping up the habit, and then we don't. We just don't.
I don't know what it is. I love writing. Or maybe its that I love telling stories. And from what I've just read, this Urban Monk guy is really telling a whopper of a story.
But there are missing parts. Don't you get the feeling, reading the past posts, that someone has done some heavy editing to the parts in between? Well, that's because they have. I have. They is me; us.
There is a piece in the last one referring to Time Travel, and I promised to write and post that piece right away. I'm here to tell you that you were not tardy on that one - you really did post it. and a sequel. But I did away with them for good. For my good. I was in a very dark place.
Oh! Well! Now, you say, you have to tell me.
I'll elude to it, basically because not knowing what it is, could entice a re-post in the future.
It was about intimacy. Well, no, the word I used was sex. But it was crass, and unbecoming of the now 46 year old me (you) are. But the point is, I was in a dark place where the realities of life, love, and intimacy had just permeated my young (35 year old) brain. I could blame it on Klienfelters - one counsellor said many Kleinfelters patients had either a reaction away from ever wanting sex again, or a reaction to going out and being as diverse in sexual partners as anyone can. At the time, I expressed that neither had affected me as a result of discovering my "condition", but I think that part of me (a deep, hidden kernel of a part, the nihilist part) thought "sex is meaningless without the possibility of creating life, so why does sex seem to have mattered to a younger version of me? Or no - that last part was misleading. I did think it was meaningless, and so devalued the dance of intimacy and trust one must learn in order to make it meaningful (or make it happen at all). And so, if I were to fall anywhere in that counsellor's array of options available to me, I would be leaning toward "more sex, 'cause who cares?"
So I erased it. And now I'm convinced that the next time I roll around to reading this (and any accompanying future blogs), I will have totally forgotten what the story actually was, and I may be prone to repeating it, depending on how large that nihilistic kernel grows. Just trust me on this, it's better left alone.
So I'm 46 years old. In 12 days I'll be 47. What have I learned so far? And what perplexities am I still experiencing?
.......
I'm not sure I've learned anything of value, save perhaps that faith matters. A WHOLE lot. If you're feeling stuck in your job, and the overall feeling of unease relates at all back to a breach of what you believe in, and what core values you believe should be universal, aren't... then there's a big problem there. That needs to be resolved, one way or the other.
What perplexities am I still experiencing?
Hmmm. Well. That's a biggie.
It's really the reason I even looked up this dusty old blog. There's really only one way to tell it.
Periodically, I have a dream starring the same person. The circumstances and happenings in the dream are nearly always different (I have some repeats, sometimes), but there's always one same person in them. I really hate it when I read these things and feel like younger me is vaguebooking older (but still younger than me) me, but in this case I want to be vague so future me doesn't have to deal with regrets of the actions of younger (present) me. We both know who we're talking about, and if you don't, then you've returned too early, and you haven't had the dream yet. Go back to sleep - when it happens, you'll know.
I digress. Periodically I have dreams about the same person in different circumstances. I literally probably have met to some degree (and so inner-brain "knows") roughly 10,000 people. Maybe more. So why are most of the focused dreams (those I can remember lots of detail from), about just 1 person? If every person I've met had an equal chance to show up in my brain on any given night, 1 person showing up even once in a dream would be a 0.0001% chance. I don't know the equation to figure out repeat appearances of the same person. Let's add some weight to this statement by allowing a variance for the recurrence of some particular people appearing in dreams, based on how much interaction one has with someone they know (so, more interaction means better chance at a recurring dream with said person), and then let me just tell you that I have had approximately 6 interactions with this person in 5 years, and 2 of those interactions were occasions where we spoke face to face. And the last interaction was about 20 years ago. There ought to be many more people who should appear in my dreams more often - my high school principal should appear more often, and I never even once got called down to the office to speak with him. NEVER.
Why does this matter? Why should it matter to note the occasion of experiencing multiple dreams with the same person? Because it's weird. It's like I'm occasionally awarded the chance to peek across the dimensional divide and spy on a different version of me, living a different life. It comes unbidden. I don't think about this person at all, except for the occasions that occur immediately after having another dream. And then I'm driven here, and I read all kinds of weird musings from people in stages of life set 10 years apart.
But what does all this mean? Why is it that I periodically have recurring dreams about the same person? Is there meaning behind the dream? Am I peeking into a parallel universe? Are there some connections to people that run deeper than others, no matter how much or little contact you've had?
Is there such a thing as a soulmate, platonic or otherwise?
UM
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